The Winter Olympics have finally come to a close and I couldn’t care less. You may wonder why. After all the Winter Olympics feature figure skating and figure skating is truly the cuntiest of all sports, so what could be the problem?
Frankly my interest in figure skating has waned tremendously following the retirement of the grand matron of the sport, Tonya Harding. Far too many people know Tonya strictly from her involvement in knee-capping horse toothed bitch Nancy Kerrigan in 1994, but she is so much more than that. Yes, Tonya Harding was an athlete and yes, Tonya Harding was a criminal. However Ms. Harding’s life was and continues to be living, breathing performance art. Her life and career have been overlooked, I would say criminally so, for its immense contributions to American culture. Given figure skating’s unforgivable actions to distance itself from her, I have had no other choice but to disregard the sport.
To truly appreciate Tonya Harding, we have to take a step back and reexamine her masterstroke at the 1991 US Figure Skating Championships. I of course refer to her free skate which deservedly won her the championship. Figure skating fans tend to focus exclusively on the extraordinary technical content of this program, but it is to their detriment. That Tonya successfully landed a triple axel and six other triples is of little consequence to the vast artistry present in this program, artistry which has been overlooked to this day. Tonya knew that in order to truly make her mark at these championships she would need the assistance of a tremendous musical arrangement. As such she skated to a deftly mixed collection of her absolute favorite music. Starting with the score to Batman, Tonya then transferred into a delicate arrangement of Send In The Clowns flowing out into a majestic instrumental climax of Tone Loc’s Wild Thing. The accompaniment alone was such utter brilliance that it should have won her the championships, regardless of her technical performance, yet as the score board lit up following her untouchable athletic and interpretive display there was not a single perfect 6.0 to be had in the artistic mark. This is unforgivable. Harding lifted the sport to new heights, heights not reached ever again (although her decision to skate her final competitive free program to the soundtrack of Jurassic Park was almost equally inspired) yet it was all lost on her peers. She was appreciated simply for being a brilliant technician, perhaps the best jumper in the history of ladies’ skating, and nothing more. I believe that it was at this precise moment that I lost all faith in mankind.
This brings me to the most recent Winter Games. There has been an extraordinary amount of criticism about the judging of the ladies event, with many viewers speculating whether the obviously purchased victory of Russia’s Adelina Sotnikova over South Korea’s Yuna Kim was in anyway “fixed.” I couldn’t care less. If anything Yuna Kim got exactly what was coming to her. Yuna Kim made the audacious decision to use a piece of Tonya Harding’s 1991 opus as the music for her short program, skating to Send In The Clowns. There are certain pieces of music that are simply untouchable and the score to Batman, Send In The Clowns and Wild Thing shall forever be off limits to all other ladies skaters, in perpetuity, for the rest of time. Many mourned the marking of her low balled short program, but I didn’t. I just laughed, for she received exactly what she deserved and likely lost the gold medal because of it. Look, I’m not made of wood. I can’t begrudge Kim the very human weakness of wanting to co-opt a small piece of Harding’s majesty. Had she made her short program a full-fledged homage and capped off her skate with a verse from Wild Thing then I would’ve given her pass. She of course did not and thus got what was rightfully coming for her. She was damn lucky just to have to settle for a silver medal. Just ask Nancy Kerrigan. She can tell you what happens to a bitch when she comes for Tonya Harding.
Tonya Harding has continued to titillate and excite the nation following her retirement from figure skating. Though an aborted musical career ended unceremoniously, she would return to sports, this time as a boxer. Far too few figure skaters become pugilists (you can hold your breath all you like but Johnny Weir’s never going to lace up the gloves) and Harding overcame the disdain and scorn of an undeserving public to retire with a respectable 3 win, 3 loss record. A booking on The American Gladiators was tragically cancelled, though she would later make an appearance on the AAA Mexican Professional Wrestling League as the short lived manager for a team called Los Gringos Locos. Though she was a respectable pugilist, Tonya’s true calling after figure skating was almost certainly in professional wrestling. That the WWE did not immediately sign her to a lucrative exclusive contract is unimaginable. As a nation we are all the poorer for it.
After doing all she could for the advancement of the arts, Harding has at last retired into life as a private citizen. In yet another testament to her extraordinary physical prowess, Harding gave birth to her first child at the age of 40 in 2011. If there is any justice remaining in this world, her son will grow up to be a sick’ning drag queen who shall wreak havoc upon the undeserving and uncaring public who so disgraced his mother. She deserves nothing less.