Following her son’s recent arrest, the mother of Justin Bieber recently requested that the the public pray for her son as he struggles through his current legal problems. Though I first blanched at the suggestion, additional time ruminating on the importance of this subject ultimately moved me to honor her request. The following is a transcript of my most recent conversation with God about Justin Bieber:
Are you there, God? It’s me, bitchface. I know we haven’t spoken in awhile, but I request that you overlook that and please help Justin Bieber in this, his time of need. It is my sincere hope that you will care for him, look out for him and pardon his legal transgressions so that he may continue making shitty pop music, taking drugs and driving under the influence. Justin Bieber has important work to do, so please look out for him so he can continue imperiling public safety, making millions and appropriating the wardrobe of black men. I cannot bear to live in a world devoid of his ubiquitous smirk constantly peering out at me from all media outlets 24 hours a day. It is the adolescent millionaires of this world that most need your help and I pray that you will give that to him. So please, save Justin Bieber, and if you have the time, please also assist the plight of the world’s poor and wartorn, too.
The Embittered Queen