Surveys Says, “No Grills After 50.”

Despite being an ardent Madonna fan (a trait developed during my less bitter days) I cannot in good conscious defend the recent installation of her teef grillz.  There are certain things that a woman of a certain age should certainly avoid: 23 year old boyfriends, self tanner, white-blonde hair bleaching (Betty White gets a pass), and so forth.  Sadly, it would appear that in a bizarre vacuum of self awareness, grill installation must now be added to this list.

Viewing the grill from afar, the first impression is that Madonna had some sort of terrible mishap while applying her Poligrip to her first set of fake teeth.  A bit closer the grill now appears to be precariously holding her original teeth into her jaw through an extraordinary act of extreme orthodonture.  It is not until the viewer has reached an extreme close up that the grill effect finally registers.  There’s nothing that quite screams, “I’m heading to Shady Pines!” like a jumble of crumbling teeth held together by steel, wires and dental adhesive.  As an openly vain woman, it seems doubtful that this is the intended effect for Madonna’s new Iron Man teeth.

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The most frightening but also most likely explanation for Madonna’s teeth gaffe is that she’s just trying to keep up with the kids.  Walking, talking piece of Wonder Bread Katy Perry also rocked a grill to an awards show in 2013; interested parties can be assured that her grill was  equally hideous.  Grills on white women are unseemly.  They just make Gwen Stefani’s Return of Saturn braces look like high fashion.  Grills are a special sort of magic reserved solely for the Lil’ Waynes of this Earth.  Before rocking a grill, ask yourself, “Am I as magical as Lil’ Wayne?”  If the answer is no then you are far better off passing on teef bling.  Be advised.

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