Tragedy has struck in Tinseltown as it appears that Katy Perry and John Mayer’s passionate romance has come to an end. Reports indicate that it was Perry who broke up with Mayer (a shock, I know) for unknown reasons. While I would like to credit my own breakdown on Mayer’s manwhoring as Perry’s impetus for the breakup, I think that the true cause of this split is all too clear: trichomoniasis.
Trichomoniasis is a STI caused by microscopic parasites that infect the male urethra and is thus spread to the male’s sex partners. The Center for Disease Control states that trichomoniasis is one of the leading causes of bacterial vaginosis, vaginal chafing and breakups with John Mayer. Symptoms of trich in women can range from the standard itching and discharge to much worse, but sadly the disease is easily spread as it usually produces no symptoms in men. Of course in Perry’s case, that wouldn’t have mattered. John Mayer’s cum has looked and smelled like expired mayonnaise for years, so there’s no penile pus or goo imaginable that would make Mayer schedule a trip to the clinic.
I would like to credit Perry for coming to her senses and shucking off Mayer before it’s too late, but given her previous decision to court, date and even marry grotesque barney Russell Brand, it seems far more reasonable to assume that this was a discharge too many and the final straw that broke the camel’s back. While I suppose it’s tragic that John Mayer has lost a sugar momma, if this is what it takes to ensure that another stale piece of shit like Who You Love is never released again then the nation is all the richer for their breakup.
The true loser in this split (aside from Katy Perry’s pussy) is John Mayer. The man is rapidly running out of potential young, single sugar mommas and his M.O. is getting increasingly obvious to all but the densest women. It’s growing clear that a relationship with John Mayer leads to a bad reputation and that bad reputation invariable leads to a host of sexually transmitted infections. Unless you like your shit raw and prolapsed (just because it worked for Britney doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you) you’re better off passing on a relationship with John Mayer.
So what’s a manwhore to do? More than likely Mayer will continue with his old antics, so Hollywood’s young leading ladies need to stay on guard. My advice to Selena Gomez is this: if your door bell rings and John Mayer’s there, don’t answer it!