One of the staples of Pray-The-Gay-Away therapy is the concept of the Homosexual Root. Given that homosexuality is a not a product of biological happenstance or residence in San Francisco County, but rather a deliberate choice made by sick individuals, the concept of The Root seeks to identify the exact moment where childhood trauma bolstered the gay individual into a lifetime of homosexual depravity. Time made me a curmudgeon and bitterness made me a cunt, but I’ve long wondered just what it was that made me the cock glutton that I am today. After spending many years agonizing over this question, I believe I have at last come upon an answer.
The subject of my tragic queerness can be traced back to a chance visit to a Planet Video in the late 90’s. Drama Club had let out early and I had wandered over to the video store to look for a way to pass the lonely Friday night. After carefully deciding against renting Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion for the 13th time, I came across the image of a decidedly saucy-looking pig riding a motorcycle. I am of course referring to the iconic artwork for the 1981 puppet classic, The Great Muppet Caper. There was just something about that pig’s wind-strewn weave and tight white jumpsuit that stirred something deep inside of me. Intrigued, I made my selection.
I popped in the VHS tape as soon as I got home, entirely unprepared for what I would see. The plot of the movie is rather unextraordinary. Based off the rather conventional premise of a band of puppet detectives working to uncover the truth behind a baffling series of jewelry heists, the film is somewhat predictable, but this is not what makes it such an enduring classic. It is this movie, more than any other Muppet movie, which most directly centers on Miss Piggy. The Great Muppet Caper served as a direct platform for the unyielding fierceness of Miss Piggy and it still remains her greatest work. From beginning to end, Miss Piggy dominates the film, setting the screen aflame with her intricately affected sex appeal and indomitable glamor. Yes, it is here that the seeds of my future gayness would be planted, placed in fecund soil by the world’s most glamorous pig.
There is one very specific moment in the film that would launch an entire generation of sodomites. Cruelly imprisoned after being framed for a series of jewel thefts, Miss Piggy refused to go down without a fight. In a moment of iconoclastic rebellion, Miss Piggy clenched the cell bars between her mighty hooves and ripped the bars asunder, thus escaping her imprisonment. Stepping out of her cell, not a hair out of place, Miss Piggy seized her destiny and set out to extract revenge against those who dared deceive her. Cultural anthropologists often point to the works of Helen Reddy or Gloria Steinem when seeking to identify instances of iconic feminine liberation. That is a fool’s errand, for there remains no greater moment of seismic femme rebellion than Miss Piggy’s iconic jailbreak in The Great Muppet Caper.
It took just one quick scene to rescind every remaining trace of my heterosexuality. Looking on in wide-eyed reverence, I saw a woman in complete control of herself. I instantly recognized that my life could be so much better, so much fiercer. How could I, an impressionable young boy, ever hope to resist the hypnotic allure of Miss Piggy’s lavender eyeshadow and flaxen blonde mane? Resistance was futile.
This theory remains a controversial one and I know that there are many people that will fight me on this. In my heart I know that I am right. Before Miss Piggy sashayed into my life I distinctly remember being totally down with pussy. I was just a regular red-blooded American boy who enjoyed He-Man action figures and Madonna records. My life will always be viewed in two parts; before The Great Muppet Caper and after the Great Muppet Caper, for in my heart I know that it wasn’t until after I viewed that movie that I turned irreversibly queer.
As evidence for my theory, I point to the emergence of the gay community in the United States. Are we to believe that it is merely a coincidence that the gay community would come into progressively wider visibility following the release of this film? It has long been the insistence of cultural anthropologists that the emergence of the gay community can be attributed to a wide variety of sociopolitical factors following the sexual revolution. I disagree. I think it’s Miss Piggy and America’s about the find out just how right I am.
There is a new Muppets film, Muppets Most Wanted, featuring notorious gay-enabler Tina Fey. Promotional stills from the film feature Miss Piggy featured prominently in a skintight black catsuit and stiletto heels. America’s ailing manhood is about to get flushed right down the shitter. The Great Muppet Caper was just round one of the lavender menace; given our culture’s current hyper-saturation with major media, this time we’re all going gay.
This may be unwelcome news for heterosexual women, but I, for one, welcome the looming wave of gayness. Granted the population will surely plummet and economic anarchy will invariably ensue, but for homos this is going to be a new renaissance. For this we all have Miss Piggy to thank.
How fitting that this saucy pig would turn an entire generation of young men into dick pigs. Though my life is one of sad, perverted depravity, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Thank you, swine goddess, for being one fierce pig.