A mere 4 months after coming out as bisexual last December, Olympian diver Tom Daley has hopped from the B to G of the fairy rainbow, declaring that he is now a gay man. Personally, I’m all for it. Bi to gay in 4 months is damn impressive. It took me about two years to go from bi to gay when I was a teenager, so I really have to admire Daley’s expediency and directness.
Bisexual men are much less likely to share my enthusiasm. Daley was by far the bi male community’s most glamorous and famous spokesperson and losing him has proven to be a harsh blow. The consequences of this desertion are rather dire. Tom Daley’s vacancy from the bi community is likely to turn the spotlight back to Andy Dick as the go-to representative for bisexual men. No one deserves to be associated with Andy Dick and bisexual men have my sincerest condolences.
This bombshell begs a very relevant question: why is it that so many bi men hop from the B to the G? We’ve all experienced it. Every day fresh faced, apple cheeked youth spring fresh from the closet and enlist in team B only to sashay over to team G a short while later. Doubling your pleasure is simple logic, so why is it that so many bisexual men go full-on fag? Some wags are likely to contend that this phenomenon has something to do with internalized homophobia or some such nonsense. Bull. The answer is simple: dick. Dick, dick, dick. Let me explain.
Bi men are seemingly blessed people as they have a built-in appreciation for both the pole and the hole. This is a fortunate occurrence… in theory. If you’re a whore, and Tom Daley sure looks like one, splitting your time between the pole and the hole is an unenviable and burdensome task. Take the panoply of gay dating (read: anonymous fucking) websites: Adam4Adam, Manhunt, Grinder, Craigslist. The fact is there is simply far more available dick on the market than pussy. Unless you’re paying, acquiring pussy begets a complicated system of dating and courting just for a turn at bat. When it comes to hook-ups, interpersonal communication is a long, complicated and woefully antiquated process. It’s a terrible burden and one that gay men have long since done away with. Who has the time and patience to barter and bargain with a sentient human being just to get laid when cock can be had in every public restroom, locker room and changing booth in this great land? This is a familiar conundrum for many bisexual men. After a while it just gets harder and harder to pencil in pussy. For these men bi desertion is nearly inevitable.
That’s just logistics. There remain the less tangible but ultimately far more alluring aspects of cock. When I find myself getting down with a cock, I mean really getting personal with a man’s appendage, I am transported to a magic land of salty wonders. Whether I am inhaling the delicate aroma of a sweaty scrotum, massaging the head of a throbbing member, or simply savoring the sheer heft of an engorged schlong, I am in complete rapture. This isn’t the sort of pleasure that can be prudently designated for moderate consumption. It quickly becomes a way of life and I’m sure Mr. Daley knows the feeling. Pussy is a fabulous thing, but for those who have tasted the sweet nectar of a man’s pre-cum, the acquisition of pussy is quickly subordinated to cock hunting. That’s the thing with dick. Once you’re in, you’re in, and you’re invariably chasing the cock dragon for the rest of your life. Mr. Daley can attest to this.
Bisexuality isn’t the easiest gig, but there nonetheless remain a great many men who defy all odds and remain committed to Team B. While it must be disappointing for bi men to discount Tom Daley from their ranks, they shouldn’t be too discouraged. After all they still have Alan Cumming on their side and really, does it get much better than that?