Put Some Weight On.

Listening to the radio is a painful exercise.  I avoid it whenever I can, but it seems that I constantly find myself in situations where I’m forced to endure it.  With every Wrecking Ball, every Blurred Line and every infestation of Bieber-fever, I find myself constantly regretting my increasingly irrational refusal to become a paranoid shut-in.

Given the absolute dearth of redemptive value in popular music, I am one of the many spurned souls who have turned to reality TV stars to reinvigorate the pop music game.  Ever since Real Housewife Kim Zolciak’s dance epic “Tardy for the Party” smashed the pop waves, reality television stars have been the true movers and shakers in pop music.  For further proof of this claim, I direct your attention to Miss Latrice Royale.

For those who don’t know, Latrice Royale is a reality TV ingénue, having made her debut on RuPaul’s Drag Race two years ago.  “Visually resplendent” is the only accurate way to describe her.  Latrice Royale is the glorious butt-baby of Divine and Jean Hill and a true fashion icon.  As a culture we are all the richer for her existence.

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Royale throws her feathered hat into the music game with her acclaimed single, “Weight.”  Latrice Royale is a tall drink of woman, so it is fitting that her debut single serves as an ode to the glorious chocolate mudslide that is her body.  Royale swats her detractors with such lyrics as, “Bitch, please, my name is Latrice.  I’m like diamonds and Versace and you’re government cheese.”  Indeed.  Such an A-game dance-rap jam is exceptional enough to begin with, but Royale gets extra points for looking like she rolled around in Skittles on the cover art.

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I had hoped that the inevitable video for the song would be something along the lines of a gay orgy in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.  Sadly, there is no gay candy sex in the video.  (Note: a Sugar Daddy in your pussy is a short path to a yeast infection.  Don’t ask me how I know this.)  Latrice compensates for the absence of taffy sex in the video by serving flawless drag.  She is accompanied by glamorous up-and-comer Epiphany Mattel who brings a genuinely legit guest verse around the 3-minute mark.

If we lived in a more just society this would be a hit song while Justin Bieber would have to wait in line for food stamps in Ontario.  Reality is cruel and oppressive but we can always dream of a better world.  Let this be our soundtrack.  Thank you, Latrice, for giving us the strength to live again.

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