Is Kale The Gayest Vegetable?

Ageless pop wonder Madonna recently drew ire from sheltered internet trolls for her supposedly pejorative use of the word “gay.”  While playing a word association game for Buzzfeed, Madonna was asked to give her initial impression of the vegetable kale.  Just as any intelligent person would, she correctly classified the vegetable as “gay.”  Predictably, the trolls were not amused, lighting up the blogosphere with their utter outrage that the Material Girl would dare use the word “gay” as an insult.

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Insult?  Hardly.  This was a perfectly reasonable categorization of kale.  Kale is the gayest vegetable of all time.  Given its ultra-fibrous nature, it’s just common sense that kale would be the preferred vegetable amongst stool-pushers.  Everyone knows that.  Besides, kale is the hippest of all the leafy greens.  If you’re rocking a “Diversity Is Our Strength” bumper sticker, odds are that you’ve haughtily displayed your appreciation for kale at some time or another.  Objectively speaking, kale is a grotesque, acrid vegetable that no reasonable person would ever want to consume.  Thus it would be categorized as an “acquired taste,” an esoteric pleasure whose only appeal is its venerated status amongst hipsters.  Ergo quintessentially gay.

Hipsters have loudly displayed their appreciation of kale for years and everything that hipsters do was first done by homosexuals.  (On a related note, panfried kale and poppers is an immensely underrated combination.)  Besides, kale is only served in the faggiest of arenas.  Case in point: Whole Foods.  Whole Foods is the preferred grocer for sissies everywhere.  It’s the one place where homos of all stripes can come together and bond over their mutual love of overpriced, flavorless health food.  No self-respecting gay would walk out of a Whole Foods without a bagful of quinoa and kale.  It’s like wearing white after Labor Day; it’s just not acceptable.

Furthermore kale is a centerpiece in yet another quintessentially gay practice: juicing.  In an obvious attempt to lure in hipsters, Jamba Juice has recently introduced a number of kale-themed juices and smoothies to its menu.  It is impossible for anyone to say, “I’d like a Kale Orange Power with a shot of wheatgrass juice” and retain their masculinity.  I don’t care what your husband, father or priest says.  If you’re rocking a jumbo sized Kale-ribbean Breeze smoothie from Jamba Juice, you’re more than just a little gay.

It was foolish for homos to doubt Madonna.  Kale is unquestionably gay.  Gay Pride season is right around the corner, so do what Madonna would do, rock a Blueberry-Kale Smoothie at your local pride festival and you’re destined to be the envy of every queer there.

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