So wait… which one is the bottom?
Thus was my initial reaction to the now famous lip lock between Michael Sam and his number one twink, Vito Cammisano. A brief bit of internet research has uncovered the terrifying truth- Vito is in fact the bottom. Shocking but true. Given this unfortunate fact, I would like to hereby dedicate this post in memoriam to Vito Cammisano’s asshole.
We can use the past tense; that poor thing is long since annihilated. As soon as news broke that Michael Sam was the first openly gay man to be successfully drafted into the NFL, queens across the world were gagging to know who the tiny twink was that Sam was towering over. This historic gesture might one day be a footnote in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, but Vito has already earned himself an irrevocable spot in the Bottoming Hall of Fame.
If I was getting slammed regularly by a defensive end four times my size, there would be nothing left but a quivering pile of jelly. Mind you I’ve packed an awful lot of dick. That Cammisano is still alive, well and prospering is testament to a true blue bottom. That is Christ-level masochism right there. I’d imagine that a crucifixion is only slightly more painful. My sincerest sympathies go to the shotgun wound that is his asshole. That anyone would shred their kitty to such Michelle Duggar extremes is indicative of the truest love that any two men can share. Michael Sam is a lucky man.
This entire ordeal has shocked me, stunned me and thrilled me, however it has also (briefly) restored my faith in humanity. I thought myself an atheist but there has to be a benevolent God looking over us for the first out gay man drafted into the NFL to be picked up by a team called The Rams. That’s not a coincidence, that’s the hand of God at work.
The gays get two gifts here: the emergence of Michael Sam and the instant celebrity of his boyfriend. Now a bona fide gay superstar, Cammisano is but a stone’s throw away from his own Real Housewives show on Bravo. His asshole may resemble hamburger meat, but his star can only rise from here.