Life is long, arduous and frequently tedious. Were it not for the existence of incredibly hot men I would have lost the last tattered remnant of my sanity years ago. On that note I would like to introduce a new feature to my blog- Babe of the Month! Each month I will be introducing a new piece of fine ass for your viewing pleasure. It’s not often that I take to flights of optimism but I’m willing to occasionally venture out to more reverent pastures when hot ass is involved. It is with great esteem that I introduce the first ever Embittered Queen Babe of the Month, Lucian Piane.
Lucian Piane has done a ton of shit. He’s a music producer who has worked with scores of people, though most gays know him as RuPaul’s producer. This is fortunate timing as we are standing on the eve of the finale of the latest season of Drag Race and Lucian’s annual appearance on Drag Race is consistently the highlight of every season. Lucian Piane is a little gummy bear of a man whose adorability is of epic, uncharted proportions. He’s like a life-size Keebler Elf but instead of serving cookies he’s serving unbridled sexiness. Observe:
God fucking damn. What can be made of this teddy bear in man form? He even comes pre-scruffed, though any homo worth his salt would gladly lick that cutesy stubble right off his face. There are precious few men on this Earth who can serve cuddly Caucasian sex bomb like Lucian Piane and it is a sight to behold. I am including a link to his Instagram for those who demand more photographic evidence. It is my hope that the radiant hotness on this page will comfort and warm all my readers in their loneliest moments. I have found that his Instagram is best viewed mid-crying jag, just before the Xanax kicks in. I have no doubt that the alienated curmudgeons who make up my readership will feel me on this.
In order to be an Embittered Queen Babe of the Month, it’s not enough to just be hot. You have to be foxy and there’s no shorter path to foxiness than brilliance. Genius is sexy. Always. Case in point, his work on RuPaul’s last single, “Geronimo.” This song is like Buffy Sainte-Marie’s “Adam” crossed with TLC’s “Hat 2 Da Back.” PJ Harvey fuzz guitars over a double dutch beat? Slay me. That is panty creaming brilliance at work. I mean… it’s just soup down there right now. Lucian must beat suitors off with a stick. He even adds a vocal track to the song, performing in his best vocal approximation of an 1840’s gold prospector. Thrill us, Lucian. Thrill us. His genius is at work in all 10 tracks of RuPaul’s newest album, Born Naked. That particular album sold well, prompting a Deluxe Edition re-release. (I had naturally assumed that the Deluxe Edition would come with a photo spread of the producer modeling the latest in men’s swim wear. That feature is cruelly absent.) Piane brought Drag Race to new heights with his acclaimed Shade: The Rusical and it seems like everything he touches turns to gold.
One day being an Embittered Queen Babe of the Month will be the highest honor. Men will fight me for the glory and the privilege of being a part of the legacy. Until that day comes I humbly present to you its first entry, twunk superstar Lucian Piane. May he stay hunky now and forevermore.