(Spoilers ahead… duh.)
Another season of Drag Race has come to climax and again we are left to congratulate the winner and mop up the mess. Heinous bitch Bianca Del Rio pulled off a deserved win as the undisputed star of this season. Drag Race has been frequently criticized for ignoring established drag veterans in favor of featuring fishy newcomers, but as her competitors frequently pointed out, Bianca is a seasoned drag veteran. See, Bianca didn’t win (just) because she was the most talented. She won because she was the smartest. Bianca knew how to create a compelling narrative and she set to work in formulating her Bitch with a Heart of Gold-schtick from the get-go. Much has been made of the fact that the show allows the audience to vote and choose the winner but it doesn’t matter whether the audience votes or not. TV has a set formula that nearly everyone bows to. If you can make your story read and combine it with a little wit and sparkle then the audience will arrive at the same conclusion that the producers would. Bianca got this and now she’s got one hundred thousand dollars. Smart bitch.
But if you’re a cunt like me, you don’t care about that. With no real underdogs, rebels or wild cards in the season to distract them, the audience was left with one prime target for the kind of A-Grade filthy pleasure Schadenfreude that Reality TV is founded on. Thank you, gay Jesus, for the gift of Laganja. Laganja Estranja’s slow, protracted demise was the ultimate cunt-pleasure of season six. If Alyssa Edwards was so bad she’s good, then Laganja Estranja was so bad she went past good and back to bad again. Laganja was a cornucopia of guilty pleasures. The busted outfits! The shrill catch phrases! The endless tears! The strained affectations! The girl delivered. Laganja did all she could to ape the mannerisms of her drag mother, Alyssa Edwards, and her persistent failure to effectively do so made for incredibly compelling television. She’s my pick for All-Stars Season 2. If Alyssa Edwards is the Beyoncé of the Haus of Edwards and Shangela is the Kelly Rowland, then Laganja Estranja is the Solange.
Harsh, I know. But hey, she’s got legs for days and no one can take that away from her.
Enough analysis. Time to read these hoes for filth. Consider this the definitive T on season six:
Magnolia Crawford: This bitch knows about commitment to a bit. After debuting as the absolute worst Drag Race contestant in herstory, she followed that up by releasing the absolute worst Drag Race track ever. Hey, if you’re going to be the worst, be the worst of all time. I have a certain respect for that.
Vi Vacious: When you’re upstaged by a Styrofoam wig head then you know your act’s got problems.
April Carrion: Out of drag, she’s the absolute twinkiest. She must be a veritable magnet for dirty old men, so I understand why she crossdresses.
Gia Gunn: Gia Gunn is a terribly underrated drag queen. Not only is she pretty but she defies stereotypes. She proves that not all Asian people are smart.
Milk: Artfully curdled.
Laganja Estranja: I’d say that she’s a clown but clowns are supposed to be funny.
Trinity K. Bonet: This season’s most decorated entry into the Drag Race Dental Hall of Shame.
Joslyn Fox: The girl was so damn sweet I almost lost a foot.
Ben Delacreme: I preferred her out of drag. None of the other queens on this or any other season has served menwholooklikeoldlesbians.com realness like this bitch and no one ever will.
Darienne Lake: The world’s whitest drag queen. We’re talking Spiced Pumpkin Frappuccino in a Lexus level white.
Courtney Act: I saw a YouTube video of her performing on a gay cruise. It’s crazy that YouTube has the power to simultaneously depict her past and predict her future all at the same time.
Adore Delano: She’s not the first washed up Reality TV star to wind up crossdressing for singles at Hamburger Mary’s and she won’t be the last.
Bianca Del Rio: I’ll have to admire her from afar. The heavy unblended eye shadow is giving me shades of Pogo the Clown. I’m scared that she’ll chop me up and bury me in her basement.
Stay gorgeous, ladies!