Are Blow Addicts The Greatest Americans?

Hunger and desperation brought me into my local Subway today where long standing suspicions about my local sandwich artists’ work habits were finally confirmed.  After tearing through my sandwich preparation in characteristic breakneck speed, a seemingly innocent comment about gunning an 8-ball produced a look of such authentic, wide-eyed terror as to remove any lingering doubt.  It was official; my sandwich artist was on cocaine.

I took a moment to reflect on this while rearranging and then eating my sandwich.  This man has nothing but my utmost respect.  To think, this gentleman is so enterprising, so frugal and so resourceful as to support a cocaine habit on a sandwich artist’s salary.  This is the classic American industrious spirit at fine display.  I am much too disorganized to support a drug habit on minimum wage.  I couldn’t even dream of it, yet this man has shown me that where there’s a will, there’s a way.  It just goes to show what you can accomplish in life when you have priorities.

Sure, he was a bit disheveled, he looked like he hadn’t slept in days and his personal hygiene suggested that bathing was a distant memory.  None of this changes the fact that this man showed up to work, managed a busy load of customers with courtesy and aplomb, all while high on drugs.  I can barely drive while intoxicated but this man could multitask on an epic level.  What’s more, he did it all while innovating.  He worked (and talked) at a frenetic, breakneck speed, producing a BLT sub in blistering speed.  It was a curious sandwich; all the meat was stuffed to one side while the scant few vegetables remaining on the bun were left to whimsically trail the remaining length of the sandwich.  It was the most unique sandwich that I ever had, the handiwork of a consummate artist.

This man has fundamentally changed me.  No longer will I tolerate the shrill, coddled whining of the student-loan generation.  If this man can be so enterprising and frugal as to nurse a cocaine habit off of minimum wage, then I see no reason why my peers cannot find a way to repay the $50,000 in loans taken out to obtain a bachelor’s degree.  Blow is the Champaign of illicit narcotics.  If America’s cocaine addicts can support their habits off sandwich making then surely you can repay your monstrous academic debt off the wealth of opportunities afforded to a philosophy major.  In short, quit your bitching.

Drug addicts are the greatest Americans.  No matter what the circumstances, they always find a way to make it work.  The drug addicts of this country don’t let anything stand in the way of living out their dreams of snorting drugs.  If they can live their dreams, why can’t we?  Let the spirit of our nation’s coke addicts inspire us to get off our lazy asses and reach for the stars.

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One thought on “Are Blow Addicts The Greatest Americans?

  1. “If America’s cocaine addicts can support their habits off sandwich making then surely you can repay your monstrous academic debt off the wealth of opportunities afforded to a philosophy major. In short, quit your bitching.”

    Well Said!

    Like

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