File this one under “Holy Fuckidity Fuck” because flesh eating cocaine is real. A rash of severe cases of skin rot has been traced back to tainted cocaine and the outlook looks grim. It’s estimated that 80 percent of the nation’s blow supply is tainted. 80 percent? Holy Hell. If Lindsay Lohan’s face melts off, we know what the culprit is.
The tainted blow was cut with levamisole, a veterinary drug used to deworm livestock. I couldn’t help but chuckle at that. Kids these days. In my day we’d cut our coke with Equal packets swiped from Denny’s. It was a tried and true tradition, but oh no, the kids had to go and get creative and we find ourselves in this horrible position. The levamisole can trigger a severe immune reaction that leads to the zombified skin rot. The estimated contamination rate is terrifyingly high, posing a staggering threat to public health. If we don’t act soon everyone will wind up looking like Pete Doherty.
This epidemic has the potential to dismantle our entire society. Sensationalist news coverage of partially decomposed blow addicts could lead the public to think that drug use is somehow dangerous. This scenario would invariably lead the international drug market to plummet, leading to terrifyingly dire consequences. Let’s think rationally for a second. If people discontinue cocaine use en masse, entire markets would crumble and collapse. How could the fashion industry ever function without cocaine? Our nation’s models depend on cocaine as an essential life force. Barring an unforeseeable emergence of gangrene chic, it’s likely that models will abandon the drug. If their blow winds up rotting out their skin they could risk venturing out to strange alternate fuel sources, like food. A fashion model without cocaine? Glamour would die a horrible death. But that’s not all. Without a healthy demand for cocaine the fragile economies of Latin Market would likely face swift collapse. Colombia would probably sink into the Earth.
But that’s not the worst part. I have our nation’s true heroes in mind: child actors. For generations our country’s child actors have relied upon a ready and available coke supply to help them ease the transition from fresh faced precocious youth to washed up has-beens. What of Aaron Carter? Amanda Bynes? Lohan, for Christ sakes! Without cocaine greasing its wheels, it’s all too likely that the entire entertainment industry will grind itself into oblivion.
A drug free world? That’s horrifying. I couldn’t imagine making it through the day without something to take the edge off. Repeatedly. I’ve spoken at great length about my admiration for drug addicts. It is their frenzied dedication and heightened, excitable focus that make our society work. If you share my concern and reverence for our nation’s drug addicts, let this be a call to action. I’m certain that somehow, someway we can fix this problem. Together we can make a difference. Go to the streets and demand change. Join me and let’s work together to #SaveTheCokeHeads.