There seems to be no shortage of urban legends surrounding gay sexuality these days but it looks like we’re going to have to count another one. A hot new theory in fundamentalist Christianity claims that gay men’s compulsively deviant behavior is caused by fart demons, namely putrid smelling demons that infest the anal canal and cause the host to jones for cock. The progenitor of this claim, Pastor Bert Farias of Holy Fire Ministries, explains:
“Homosexuality is actually a demon spirit. It is such a putrid smelling demon that other demons don’t even like to hang around it… There is an account in the Bible where Jesus casts out 2,000 demons out of a man. The demons came out screaming and begged Jesus to send them into the pigs. The pigs didn’t want them, so they ran down a steep hill and were drowned in the sea. Pigs have more sense than some humans[.] People embrace homosexual demons, but the pigs would rather die than be possessed with demons.”
It stands to reason that gay men, with their inherent proclivity towards sodomy, have since been infested by these spirits. Ergo, fart demons.
Look, I’m sorry guys, but I’m going to have to own up to this one. This is probably my fault. There was a time in my life where I was convinced that my asshole was haunted. I was really into felching at the time and it just seemed to make sense. The ghosts hounded my hole day and night, leaving discharges and oozing sores in their wake. Doctors were unconvinced with my ghost theory and eventually drove the spirits out with an aggressive dosage of antibiotics. The ghosts vacated their dwelling and have since been replaced by HPV. I’ve shared this theory with the bevy of prominent religious figures that I’ve bedded and it all likely snowballed into the fart demon theory that you’re now reading. Bert Farias looks like about a dozen people I’ve fucked, so he may or may not have been one of my besties at Steamworks. Either way the fart demon theory is now a thing and we all have to deal with it.
I realize this is irritating. If you’re an altar boy that has had fart demons postulations ruin your intimate time, you have my sincerest apologies. I’m not proud of this but we’ve all done fucked up things while rolling on Tussionex. Besides anyone who willingly reads this blog is a whore, so who are you to judge? I now know to be significantly more choosey about the ministers I take as sex partners. I’ll never know whether the demon spirits in my ass were ghosts, a voodoo curse, or simply rectal gonorrhea, but if I have any future questions I’m sure Bert Farias can answer them. He seems to have an invested interest in the activities of gay men’s asses, so I’m sure there’s no rectal spirit he can’t exorcise. All he needs is Holy water, the good book and a can of Crisco.