Geeks across the nation have joined in mourning the departure of Kari Byron, Tory Bellici and Grant Imahara from the wildly popular nerd show Mythbusters. Grant Imahara has taken residence in the more delicate chambers of my heart for some time now, so it is only appropriate that he is now immortalized as an official Babe of the Month.
Mythbusters has a special place in my heart. Several years ago I was stranded in a Godforsaken foreign country and my only access to English-speaking television was the Discovery channel. It was then that I discovered Mythbusters and its most glamorous cast member, Grant Imahara. I have attempted to communicate my immense regard for Mr. Imahara for some time and I am consistently met with blank stares. The prevailing wisdom about this show is that Tori Bellici is the resident hottie of the series. (Fools. Jamie Hyneman is a Poppa Bear par excellence.) While there’s no debating that Tory Bellici is tasty morsel of manliness, he is no match for the huggable squishability of Grant Imahara.
The man is adorable. Period. It is my hope that this writing will lay to rest any remaining disputes about Grant’s epic cuddle-bility. Grant Imahara’s elfen glamor is the stuff of legend. As if the cuteness, the sheer, utter cuteness, is somehow not enough, the man possesses studly genius on an astonishing scale. The man makes robots, for Christ sakes. Robots. He designed the robotic mechanism that powers the Energizer Bunny, he’s made frequent appearances on BattleBots, he makes stuff blow up… do I seriously have to list more than one thing when he designed the fucking Energizer Bunny? Genius is sexy. How else can we explain Einstein’s rampant manwhoring? There’s no negating a hot ass or a bulging package, but nothing gets the panties wet quite as consistently as a studly genius.
If I may return to his epic cuteness, what can be made of a man who will openly perform Star Trek cosplay with no shame? Babehood, that’s what we make of it. And steam punk cosplay and Doctor Who cosplay… I think I need a cold shower.
Nerd sex appeal is tragically underrated. It is high time that we recognize the long devalued sex appeal of our nation’s nerds and there are none so nerdly as Grant Imahara. A sexy nerd can perform a wizard melee attack on my pussy any day. I am more than just a blogger; I am a patriot. As one of this country’s finest Americans, I enact the following motion: I hereby elevate Grant Imahara and his nerdly brethren to the high level of our nation’s babes. Nerds, emerge from your basement chambers and take your place amongst our nation’s finest studs.
I am an immensely fortunate person. It is true that I am in no want of food or shelter and live a fairly comfortable life, but that’s not why I consider myself fortunate. It is also true that I have an exciting career blogging for the rapture of tens upon tens of people, but that’s not why I consider myself so lucky. I consider myself so blessed and fortunate because I have known of the existence of Glamorous Monique for many years. A great many are just learning about the wonder and the majesty of Glamorous Monique however I’ve been basking in her radiant beauty for years and years. I know, it just doesn’t seem fair.
For the sake of those poor souls who don’t know who I’m talking about, I present to you Glamorous Monique.
Glamorous Monique is a trans icon and a purveyor of pure, unspoiled beauty. For years Monique has been working as a nightlife fixture. She not only serves flawless couture and effortless face but she has also made waves for her original music. 38 Triple F, Punch My Kitty and the aptly titled The People’s Tranny are all under recognized musical jems that should live on and prosper in the hearts, minds and smart phones of discerning homosexuals.
As you can see, Glamorous Monique wears many hats, model, actress, musician, provocateur but she is just now breaking through to a wider audience with her recent appearance on E!’s Botched, a reality television show that centers on people who have had botched plastic surgery. Botched? Hardly. We’re talking about a woman who has labored tirelessly to embody the perfect three-way love child of Jackie Stallone, Amanda Lepore and Bruce Jenner. This is an artist at work and it says woeful things about our society that she has not been suitably exalted for this. Glamorous Monique is a masterpiece from head to toe, be it her unclockable style, indulgently ample bosom or her delicate collagen curves. If I had to choose one favorite feature, I would have to choose her lips. Her lips are like a prolapsed sideways vagina teetering precariously (yet deliciously!) on a duckbill. That alone would be too much for lesser women, but Monique goes a step further and shellacs them until they have reached a flawless ceramic sheen. This, dear readers, is perfection.
You’ll have to tune in to see whether LA’s finest surgeons could in any way further refine Monique’s already flawless features. After that take to the internet, take to the streets and spread the word. Let everyone know about the regal majesty of Glamorous Monique. I recommend getting in on this now. It’s only a matter of time until she gets an American Apparel endorsement deal and finally receives the recognition that she deserves. Don’t be the last fag to jump on the Glamorous Monique band wagon and one day you can say that you knew her when.