Babe of the Month: Thanksgiving Edition

One of my earliest gurlhood traumas can be traced back to my infatuation with In Living Color.  I remember watching it in absolute awe as a child and I was particularly taken with The Fly Girls.  To me The Fly Girls were heroic, neon vixens.  They were the sexual embodiment of 90’s glamour and everything that I ever wanted to be.  For a fleeting moment The Fly Girls provided a respite from my bleak, sissy gurlhood, but my dreams were to be crushed just as soon as they hatched as I realized that they were beautiful, curvaceous women and I was but a faggy femme imposter.  I could wiggle and jiggle all I want; I was no Fly Girl.  I would never fuck Jim Carrey, I would never be a girl on the 6 and I would never marry Marc Anthony.  In the end The Fly Girls’ buxom, jiggly beauty was forever a reminder of faggy inadequacy.  Tragic.

Flash forward many years later.  An unexpected detour during a routine Jiz and the Mammograms video search lead me to Fly Young Red’s seminal rap epic Throw That Boy Pussy.  Curious, I turned it on and my world was fundamentally rocked.  The now classic video features the dashing young rapper spitting tight rhymes over Lil’ Wayne’s “Wowzers” beat, all the while flanked by lithe, enticing, sexual… Fly Boys.  At that moment humanity collectively took a giant leap forward.  Fly Boys- at last!  The video presents a harem of supple, slender, enticing ladymen thrusting their buttocks mightily towards the heavens all to a pulsing beat.  When he spits, “Clap that ass in this pit/Let me see you clap that ass like a bitch/Yeah, I’m trying to get you back home/See if you can clap that ass on this dick,” the surrounding Fly Boys clearly mean every writhing thrust.  This was a revelation.  My gayness was no deterrent after all.  I too could be a Fly Person and I could do it on my own terms.  I thank you, Fly Young Red, for teaching me this lesson.

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But what of the man himself?  It’s fitting that he titled his debut mixtape Pretty Boy Realness because he’s an absolute beauty.  Fly Young Red is a suave, smooth piece of man candy and he is eminently lickable.  The man is a latter-day matinee idol and a queer dreamboat.  When he raps, “Man, I’m cool with his and hers/But I’m ‘bout that his and his/Let me eat that boy pussy/It taste good like M&M’s,” Fly Young Red takes me to a sexual dreamworld and I never want to return.  Sometimes it’s not enough to just be hot, you have to be clever, too.  Fly Young Red is a visionary, a revolutionary really, and he’s poised to take the gay community to exciting new places.

As I sat to savor my yams this Thanksgiving, I gave some thought as to what I was truly thankful for.  The answer was clear; I was thankful for boy pussy and I tore into my turkey like it was a savory piece of hairy man ass.  I have Fly Young Red to thank for this.  Here’s wishing that you all one day know the joy that I know.