A red carpet gala, properly executed, is a high drama sweepstakes of art and fashion. Sadly, ever since the late, great Joan Rivers departed this world, red carpet events have returned to their former grim tedium. If you are anything like me, you yearn for those four magical words, “Who are you wearing?” to be rasped at a terrified dilettante in borrowed Galliano. Fat chance. You can’t even say that half the time for fear of offending the fair maidens attending these dreary premiers. What a world.
For a brief glamorous moment, the queens at the season 8 finale of Rupaul’s Drag Race resuscitated this dying art through the glorious bitchcraft of drag. In honor of Joan River’s sterling example, I will call these looks in my typical cruel manner, all while grading them on a ten point scale. Enjoy.
We’ve all tried to salvage a Dollar Beauty mishap, but such a monstrosity has no place on the red carpet. The abdominal cut away strains good taste and basic decency all while giving new meaning to the term “raggedy.” I appreciate the vintage Divine hairline but the gesture’s wasted on a mangled glitter tracksuit. 2/10
A Dorothy Zbornak inspired mastodon motif shows both ambition and taste, but the execution fails dismally. The hair recalls a failed perm while the seemingly endless layers are just mystifying. What was she trying to hide? Unless a hobbit comes out of that robe, I’m calling this a fail. 3/10
What’s the point of wearing soggy selections from Hot Topic at an event attended by Laila McQueen? That’s just redundant. 3/10
Dear God, those shoes. Will someone please get her a Payless gift card? 4/10
I’m getting 90′s TV starlet channeling 50′s movie star. It’s all a bit too 90210 for me. Pass. 5/10
Stacey Layne Matthews
How do you salvage a failed dress? Slap a couple of swollen nuts on the shoulder. Typical brilliance from the true winner of Season 3. 7/10
Mob wife realness! I will gladly swim with her fishes. 8/10
The delicate, fawn-like beauty of this ensemble is particularly impressive given that its model consistently looks like a horse. The exquisite cinching channels shades of Twiggy while the hanky (code) motif recalls all those blissful nights of years gone by. 9/10
Redemption at last! The high arched brows take this look past a mere Britney illusion into a far more glamorous porn-star-parody Britney illusion. A square jaw set against arched brows is the surest path to glamour. 9/10
This is what Jocelyn Wildenstein will be buried in. 9/10
In a spectacular act of contrition, this heavenly look atones for the lip sync disaster that banished her to drag hell. Astonishing. 9.9/10
What do you get when you cross cocaine-era Stevie Nicks with Ghost-era Whoopi Goldberg? Sheer perfection. Brava, well done! 10/10