Fellow faggot gold diggers, our time has come; gay marriage is legally valid in all the land. At first I couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t until Nick Jonas congratulated us for it that I knew that it was really true.
I subscribe to the Blanche Devereaux school of equality, so I couldn’t care less about the social benefits of this newly minted civil right. However collecting some form of alimony, along with 50 percent of a sugar daddy’s other remaining financial assets, is basically my retirement plan, so it was with much relief that I learned about the Supreme Court’s decision. I’m not terribly supportive, faithful, or giving, however I can polish a knob with masterful precision. If you’re an elderly rich gay man with a heart condition, be advised that I’m accepting applications for a future husband.
There are many other unresolved issues facing the LGBT community that are far more pressing than gay weddings, but I will continue celebrating if only to watch the far right completely eat it. I have watched with near-orgasmic glee as the Michelle Bachmanns and Antonin Scalias of the world have spectacularly lost their shit over this decision. What’s more, Supreme Asshat Overlord Scott Walker has also come gloriously undone over the gay marriage win. With delusional zeal, Walker has voiced support of a constitutional amendment to allow state governments to outlaw homo nuptials. Silly little man. The general public is far too busy congratulating themselves on their progressive tolerance of gay weddings to ever back such an idea. It is my hope that this gesture will make Scott Walker’s harebrained idiocy unpalatable to the voting public, so we will never have to worry about Darth Walker as Commander-in-chief. What a glorious fringe benefit to my future alimony checks.
Are gays really cut out for marriage and are we bringing about the death knell for society as we know it? I hope so. As someone who has expressed an appreciation for gay divorce, this will be nothing but good for me. If anything, I hope that gay divorce will come in wave after fabulous wave. Gays do nearly everything better than straights, so why not divorce, too? I realize that there are gay marriage naysayers who have said that gay weddings will lead to polygamy, legally sanctified bestiality and the general destruction of civilized society. If so, I’m still all for it. Any culture that would uphold a piece of shit like Eat Pray Love as fine art is clearly not a culture worth saving, so I’m all for the looming apocalypse. When the day comes that the gay wedding apocalypse brings everything crashing down, I will have a warm little spot in my heart that knows that I’ve made a difference.