Save Us, Nick Jonas!

Pride, to me, is about living your truth.  That and toilet sex.  For some time that seemed to be the majority opinion amongst festival goers at American pride festivals (the male ones, at least) but with each passing year this sentiment is held in lower and lower regard.  With the majority of pride festival goers now consisting of heterosexuals, I suppose it’s only natural that pride festival headliners become heterosexuals, too.  After all, I can understand the festival goers’ desire to see their own reflection.  But what happens when your celebrated hetero headliner pulls out suddenly and unceremoniously?

This is the conundrum that the organizers of Pittsburgh Pride recently found themselves in when Iggy Azalea pulled out of her headlining slot at the last minute.  Though it was surely a coup for the festival organizers to book such a high name act, enthusiasm for Azalea’s booking waned considerably upon the discovery of several allegedly homophobic tweets of hers from years back.  Controversy ensued and Azalea promptly cancelled the gig.  This placed the festival organizers in quite a conundrum.  Though pride festivals are ostensibly designed to gather local queer communities in solidarity and celebration of their respective histories and political triumphs, such ideals tend to be coolly received by the increasingly heterosexual audiences of most pride festivals.  A star was needed and fast, but who would step in and save the day?

Enter, Nick Jonas, gay America’s heterosexual savior.   Nick Jonas has enjoyed an enthusiastic gay fan base ever since a series of buff shirtless selfies went viral last year.  This was followed by a scantily clad crotch-grabbing session for Flaunt magazine last October and his ally status was forever cemented.  Nick Jonas has been running at the mouth ever since about his passionate devotion to the cause of marriage equality and his deep admiration of his gay fan base.  Homos across America have been lapping it up by the spoonful.  Considering this, it’s only natural that he would be vaunted for filling in for Iggy at Pittsburgh Pride.  Nick Jonas has enjoyed a curiously exalted status as gay America’s foremost straight ally.  (All this fuss just for a little hairy crack?  But I digress.)  It’s mystifying how pandering to the paying public constitutes activism or why anyone should care.  Coming out in favor of marriage equality these days is hardly courageous and his aggressive marketing to the gay community is a familiar page out of the Lady Gaga playbook.  Then again, you can’t fuck with those abs, so I guess that’s what’s really important.

What is especially interesting about Jonas’ positive press for stepping in at Pittsburgh Pride is that he is replacing Iggy Azalea.  Iggy has been lambasted from the left for her alleged racial appropriation, so it is quite amusing that she would be replaced (largely uncritically) by Nick Jonas, someone who has arguably done something rather similar amongst gay men.  Though I understand Jonas’ visual appeal, I must say that it is a sad state of affairs that gay men, once the world’s foremost curators of high taste, are excited by the prospect of listening to Nick Jonas’ shitty music.  My sympathies go out to the gays of discriminating taste attending Pittsburgh Pride.  I suggest running a train in a nearby restroom to wait out his set.

Jonas provided fascinating commentary on his recent booking.  He remarked, “When I heard about the difficult position Pittsburgh Pride was in just days before their event, I knew I had to find a way to help.”  Bless you, Nick Jonas.  What would Pittsburgh gays have done without Nick Jonas to entertain them?  When I think of critical issues facing the LGBT community, perhaps the most pressing is the need for famous heterosexuals to perform for them at their pride festivals.  Thank you, Nick Jonas, for filling this void.

I have been accused of being old fashioned, but it seems to me that LGBT pride needs to be about LGBT people or else it’s pointless.  The Iggy/Nick Jonas booking was typical of present day pride festivals, but people can catch them at any of their many tours, or just turn on TV.  Wouldn’t it be more exciting to see Jackie Beat, or Kevin Aviance, or Ian Harvie, or Tig Notaro at your local pride?  I always assumed that seeing outrageous queer performers was the appeal of pride festivals.  Frankly, aside from indulging in an impulsive bi experience in a festival ground Port-a-John, I can’t see the appeal for the many straight attendees of contemporary pride festivals.  Luckily they’re mostly drunk and hemorrhaging money, so pride will grind on for years to come.

We have forgotten that for many years pride festivals grew and prospered with predominantly LGBT performers.  It is a testament to the enterprising spirit of America’s gays that all we need for a successful pride festival is a fair ground, some queens and some meth.  But shouldn’t we also insist on more relevant headliners?  Look, I’m not made of wood.  When the day comes that Nick Jonas finds himself with his legs in the air on a Corbin Fisher set, I will become a fan.  In the meantime I’ll be on the look-out for fabulously talented gay performers at gay festivals or else I’ll just go to Steamworks instead.

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Anal Exorcists Will Save Us All.

There seems to be no shortage of urban legends surrounding gay sexuality these days but it looks like we’re going to have to count another one.  A hot new theory in fundamentalist Christianity claims that gay men’s compulsively deviant behavior is caused by fart demons, namely putrid smelling demons that infest the anal canal and cause the host to jones for cock.  The progenitor of this claim, Pastor Bert Farias of Holy Fire Ministries, explains:

“Homosexuality is actually a demon spirit. It is such a putrid smelling demon that other demons don’t even like to hang around it… There is an account in the Bible where Jesus casts out 2,000 demons out of a man. The demons came out screaming and begged Jesus to send them into the pigs. The pigs didn’t want them, so they ran down a steep hill and were drowned in the sea.  Pigs have more sense than some humans[.]   People embrace homosexual demons, but the pigs would rather die than be possessed with demons.”

It stands to reason that gay men, with their inherent proclivity towards sodomy, have since been infested by these spirits.  Ergo, fart demons.

Look, I’m sorry guys, but I’m going to have to own up to this one.  This is probably my fault.  There was a time in my life where I was convinced that my asshole was haunted.  I was really into felching at the time and it just seemed to make sense.  The ghosts hounded my hole day and night, leaving discharges and oozing sores in their wake.  Doctors were unconvinced with my ghost theory and eventually drove the spirits out with an aggressive dosage of antibiotics.  The ghosts vacated their dwelling and have since been replaced by HPV.  I’ve shared this theory with the bevy of prominent religious figures that I’ve bedded and it all likely snowballed into the fart demon theory that you’re now reading.  Bert Farias looks like about a dozen people I’ve fucked, so he may or may not have been one of my besties at Steamworks.   Either way the fart demon theory is now a thing and we all have to deal with it.

I realize this is irritating.  If you’re an altar boy that has had fart demons postulations ruin your intimate time, you have my sincerest apologies.  I’m not proud of this but we’ve all done fucked up things while rolling on Tussionex.  Besides anyone who willingly reads this blog is a whore, so who are you to judge?  I now know to be significantly more choosey about the ministers I take as sex partners.  I’ll never know whether the demon spirits in my ass were ghosts, a voodoo curse, or simply rectal gonorrhea, but if I have any future questions I’m sure Bert Farias can answer them.  He seems to have an invested interest in the activities of gay men’s asses, so I’m sure there’s no rectal spirit he can’t exorcise.  All he needs is Holy water, the good book and a can of Crisco.